Lanxiety is that sickly feeling we get when entering a room filled with people wearing Lanyards. There is no known support group for this condition.
Seasoned Lanyard Wearers recognise Lanxiety sufferers. They see it in our eyes. And once spotted, it is only a question of time.
The Seasoned Lanyard Wearer is lithe. They circle, then slither in. Their slightly too soft handshake lasts slightly too long. And in their other hand, they hold their lanyard at eye level, slightly too close for you to read. So leaning back, you absorb, ‘Steven Jones. Abacus Accounting. The Accountant You Can Count On.’ As Steven echoes, “Hello. I’m Steven. With a ‘v’.
The Seasoned Lanyard Wearer’s head is to one side as they speak. Their eyes lock on yours and their eyebrows are raised, and stay raised, as they wait for you to hold your lanyard up and read it back to them.
Known methods of escaping the Seasoned Lanyard Wearer include pretending your phone is vibrating in your pocket, and taking an imaginary call. Or saying you have a coffee order to fulfil, walking away muttering (something like), ‘2 Cappuccinos, 1 Latte, 3 Flat Whites…’
If you adopt this second method of escape, you will notice other Lanxiety sufferers standing at the coffee station too. Cheeks puffed. Slow-breathing. Afraid.
Lanxiety is that sickly feeling we get when entering a room filled with people wearing Lanyards. There is no known support group for this condition.