WANTED. BRANDMARKETINGPRDESIGNERCOPYWRITERPHOTOGRAPHER.

Here’s an advert that you can cut and paste if you like.

If you are a business looking to recruit someone into your Marketing Department.

Or indeed, to set up your Marketing Department.

And you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Job Description. 

WE ARE RECRUITING.

Our busy Engineering Business is expanding!

And whilst we employ an Accountant to look after our day-to-day finances.

And a Finance Director to lead our Accountant and to help the owners of the business make informed decisions around how we handle money, margins and more.

And an Operations Director to lead on systems efficiency and flushing out waste.

And an external Health and Safety Advisor to focus completely on the creation and maintenance of a safe working environment.

And an external Cleaning Company to make sure that we have a presentable, hygenic and clean working environment for our team and visitors.

We now require just one, lucky, skilled and capable BrandMarketerPRDesignerCopywriterPhotographer to help us to fix on a meaningful brand position, to create an appropriate brand framework, to integrate that brand, to develop various marketing strategies for a segmented market place (once you’ve segmented it), to develop the most appropriate ranges of marketing tactics for the strategies that you create and put in place, to use strategic public relations expertise in order to create content for and get us into our industries most significant and appropriate specialist publications, plus a range of non-specialist publications that make sense in the context of our marketing strategy and their readership with the correct mix of timely brand and campaign messaging, to design and roll out the correct mix of digital and off line business communication tools, to write in a clear and on-brand way (and make sure that everyone else does too or else what’s the fucking point of just one person doing it) and to take on brand photography that is both technically perfect, diverse and creatively engaging.

And ‘Do Social Media’.

And to make sure that every element feeds into and from each other.

And to make sure that every element is aligned to the strategic objectives of the organisation.

Please.

You will be supported and led by a team that don’t know what they want, what you need (or want), and therefore wouldn’t recognise success even if you did somehow manage to deliver on any of the fluffy business and brand communications objectives that we (might) set.

We offer no career progression because, naturally, if we don’t understand where we are now, we will be clueless about where we want to go (and therefore where you might end up) in any aspect of our business communications and brand building activity in the future.

The salary will be competitive (this means as close to £20k and as far away from £30k as we can get it because that’s what Bob at my friend’s welding company pays his brother’s daughter’s boyfriend) and we will get you one of the more expensive IKEA chairs because that’s what we think you want because that’s what we saw a designer sitting on in a June 2003 copy of Creative Review.

You’ll need your own camera and laptop and software and whatever other things you think you may need.

Because we don’t know.

Please send a cv to … (you complete this bit).

…

You’re welcome.

…

Photo: Ashleigh King / Paul Scurrah.