There are no ghosts.

No gods.

And no Loch Ness monster.

None are real.

And whilst we’re at it.

There are no brands either.

Brands are not real.

Which is quite a weird thing to say considering I’m a brand consultant.

The Queen.

There’s a reason I mention this today.

It’s because.

(As you will have noticed).

The queen died.

And more specifically I am mentioning this today because of the way brands reacted when the queen died.


Those things that aren’t real, remember).

Brands did things.

And said things.

As if the things they said or did in relation to the queen dying, matter.

And they don’t.

None of them.

No one is arsed what a brand says or what a brand does about the queen dying.

It’s all utter, utter bullshit.


Brands are, I suppose, simple little ideas and behaviours that – when aligned habitually – underpin what a business is and does.

So I understand the business better.

And all good marketers do is.

From time to time.

Remind the right people that the brand they are marketing is a good solution to their problem.

In compelling and interesting ways.

So that when what the marketer say collides with an exact and immediate need.

A sale might happen.

That’s it.

Tap, tap, tap.

Marketing is trying to sell stuff.

Marketing is a steady tap, tap, tap.

Reminding me that this brand can make my teeth look nicer, for all the right reasons.

Reminding me that this product is so well engineered that it delivers key benefits more consistently than the rest.

Reminding me that accurate prescription is important because having the right tool is better than having the wrong tool.

It’s just that simple.

Marketing is trying to sell stuff.

Good Marketing versus Bad Marketing.

If it’s good marketing.

I might smile.

And engage.

And remember.

If it’s bad marketing.

(Which is most marketing).

I pay money to block it.

But back to brands…

(Those things that aren’t real, remember).


When this thing that doesn’t really exist.

Starts acting as if it does.

By doing things.

And saying things.

About things that are fuck all to do with helping me to understand why what they’re offering is a good solution to my problem.

It just makes the business sound stupid.

Ask the Centre Parcs guests confined to their cabins.

Ask the Morrisons shoppers that experienced respectfully quieter till beeps.

Ask the Innocent Drinks followers that experienced respectfully fewer social media posts for a few days.

No one gives a shit.

Because there are no ghosts.

No gods.

No Loch Ness monster.

And there are no brands either.

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