Nonsense.

Most times, when I’m lucky enough to be plonked at a board table as Fractional Brand Director, I’m flanked by (some or all of) an Operations, Finance, HR, Sales and Managing Director. Lovely people as a rule. But, when I first arrive, they don’t half talk a lot of sense.

For my liking, there’s nowhere near enough nonsense talked in boardrooms these days.

When I first arrive, those fine Director-types don’t half talk a lot of sense about turnover, conversion rates, profit, seo, followers, average transaction value, market share, waste, ai findability, staff turnover, client attrition and marketing spend versus turnover etc.

You know, stuff you can measure. And whilst all this sensibleness is important, so too is nonsense.

Nonsense like warm cookies, puddles, potatoes, cardboard chickens, recommending the competition, loss-making unlimited delivery for a small fixed fee, contradictory customer instructions that don’t make sense, showing crap to customers (when everybody else hides it), when you’re competing in a market with a ‘we’ve got a longer warranty than you’ game – don’t offer any warranty at all, watching cabbage pickle on a webcam – over 6 months, and describing the models your agency represents as daft and underfed.

All nonsense. Interesting, noticeable, jarring, attention-grabbing, ‘eh?-inducing’ memory moulding nonsense.

When I first arrive in a boardroom as Fractional Brand Director, the people around the table don’t half talk sense. For my liking, there’s nowhere near enough nonsense talked in board rooms these days.

…

1. Warm Cookies. DoubleTree Hilton give away 20 million warm cookies at check-in, every year.
2. Puddles. Drummond Central’s Puddle Cam, capturing people navigating a big puddle outside their office in 2016, had over half a million views.
3. Potatoes. A New York creative agency didn’t bother investing in a glossy brochure direct mail and follow up call, they sent a potato instead. How many targets remembered receiving the potato, smiling and chatting when called? About 90%.
4. Chickens (and eggs). I recommended a print company sent amazingly printed die cut chickens to a mailing list. Then amazingly printed die cut eggs to the same list. Then rang them and asked, well, you know. How many targets remembered receiving the chicken or the egg, smiling and chatting when called? About 80%.
5. Recommending the competition. I recommended that a category leading engineering brand, famous for accurately prescribing only the correct tools, recommended the competition, with this line: “If you want the wrong cutting tool much, much faster than we can manage, call <competitor name>.”
6. Loss-making unlimited free delivery for a small fixed fee. Amazon Prime.
7. Contradictory customer instructions that don’t make sense. I recommended a packaging company, famous for protecting contents better than anybody else, printed boxes with, “This Way Up” and, on the same box upside down, “Or This Way Up If You Like. Not Bothered.”
8. Showing crap to customers (when everybody else hides it). Dyson’s transparent dirt bins.
9. Offer no warranty at all when the entire market is playing the ‘Our warranty is longer than your warranty’ game. I recommended brand positioning (measurably) as the worlds toughest, and make sure you never fail against the criteria you set.
10. Watching cabbage pickle on a webcam – over 6 months. I recommended this for a brand famous for its obsession with time as as the most important ingredient in the delivery of premium weddings, category-leading wellness events – and Michelin star quality food.
11. Describe the models your agency represents as daft and underfed. I recommended the campaign headline, for a modelling agency, of “Thick and Thin”. Thus triggering a flipped narrative that this agency had the most informed, mission-focussed, real and diverse models in the category.

All nonsense. All brilliant.

PS. If you’d like me to talk nonsense with you about your business, please drop me a line. I can take on one more client in 2026.