A Lifetime Guarantee is a promise. 

That something will last a lifetime. 

And it either will. 

Or it won’t.

Lifetime Guarantee. 

Here’s what I think you should do with anything you have that claims to have a Lifetime Guarantee…

Kick the shit out of it.

Use it. 

Bruise it.

Wear it… OUT! 

Share it. 

Stretch it. 

Test it.

Push it WAY beyond where you EVER imagined it’d cope. 


Because you will get absolutely zero satisfaction, on your deathbed, if you squint across at your pristine leather jacket.

Hanging smartly on your wardrobe door.

With it’s Lifetime Guarantee certificate folded neatly in a pocket.

Then die.

Wear the fucking thing! 

And cook the hell out of that frying pan you have with it’s Lifetime Guarantee. 

Make crazy-beautiful flambéd meals that make your wallpaper, eyebrows and fringe turn dirty brown.

That make your friends scream that you’re fucking bonkers.

And that make the best goddam memories that any frying pan can.

Wear, wear, wear that belt or sweater until they twist and bend and bruise. 

The world’s greatest clothing makers can make clothes for anyone. 

But only you can make the clothing ‘yours’.

The point of a Lifetime Guarantee is NOT to give you the peace of mind that it’ll still be functioning when you die. 

It is a challenge!




Because – and this is the real point of this story – there is only one thing you own that you know with absolute surety, has a lifetime guarantee.

And that’s you.

Now let’s see if we can wear the fucker out!

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