For me.
The most difficult question.
So difficult that it panics me.
Has always been:
What do I want?
Difficult.
Well.
After many years.
I’ve worked out why I find this question so difficult.
It is because when I hear it.
I twist it.
To become a slightly different question.
What Do I Want?
If I just left the question alone.
If I just left the question as:
What do I want?
I am comfortable with that.
I am comfortable that the answer includes certainty, Izobel, warmth, safety, home, dogs and a few really nice material things.
And I am comfortable with the addition of apparently conflicting elements such as a craving for uncertainty, adventure, risk, success, excellence and winning.
I can manage all that.
But once I twist the question.
To become a slightly different question.
That’s when I panic.
The Twisted Question.
Here’s what I do.
I twist:
What do I want?
To become
What is everything that I will ever want?
And that’s where the problems start.
For me, at least
Everything.
Ever is hard.
I don’t know about everything ever because I haven’t seen everything I am going to see yet.
I have not met everyone I am going to meet.
And I have not had to think about all of the things I am going to have to think about yet.
So I cannot answer the question:
What is everything that I will ever want?
Because I don’t know.
(Who does?)
Today.
Today.
I have what I want.
But I definitely do not have everything that I will ever want.
And I have to remind myself of the difference between those two things.
Having what I want.
And having everything that I will ever want.
Because having what I want makes me feel safe and secure.
And not yet having everything that I will ever want makes me feel adventurous and alive.
And I need both.
