I was listening to Radio 4 this week.
I think I had someone in the car with me.
So I was showing off.
They were talking about formative years.
And more specifically.
They’re taking about which ‘block’ of early years were most impactful on how we are as adults.
0 to 5.
6 to 10.
11 to 15.
Or 16 to 20.
For me personally, it was probably 13 to 18.
The general consensus was much younger though.
o to 5, I think.
Izobel is 3.
I’ve never been a daddy before.
And I’ve had all manner of feelings and learnings and discoveries in the last 3 years.
They range from the bizarre (Is she really here? Did I imagine that she was actually born? I wonder if she got swapped over in the hospital somehow?)
To the dark (She’ll probably die. Or get lost. Or be stolen. Or eaten by a dog. Or get really poorly and need medication that I cannot afford because I should have fucking worked harder so it’s all my fault that she can’t be mended. Or be bullied and I’ll go into nursery and punch a 3 year old and end up in prison so I can’t look after her any more).
To the much lighter (It’s the best time for girls to be girls. She will grow up watching football played by women and men (as opposed to football and women’s football). Stereotypes are being killed by the day (Izobel wants to be a doctor or a pilot or a vet or a ballerina or a boxer. Or all of them). This is my chance to put right all the shit that I had to contend with as a young person).
The usual feelings and learnings and discoveries that new daddies have.
Decisions and Attention.
If I had to sum up what being a daddy is like.
In just a couple of words.
Those words would be ‘decisions’ and ‘attention’.
I am making decisions for another human being, every second.
And I want Izobel to feel like she has my attention almost all of the time.
That she is listened to.
And worth investing in.
Because of course, she is.
Dr. Luis Rojas Marcos Psychiatrist.
And so it is that I will now get to the thrust of my story.
Here is a cut-and-paste article from Dr. Luis Rojas Marcos.
Published 6th January 2020.
It’s a 45 second read.
It made me think.
And if you’re a daddy or a mummy or similar.
It may be useful to you, too.
(The headline makes it sound morbid.
But it’s not, really.
It’s slightly dramatic in the early part.
But it’s good overall).
Here it is:
A SILENT TRAGEDY IN HOW WE ARE RAISING OUR CHILDREN
There is a silent tragedy that is unfolding today in our homes and concerns our most precious jewels: our children.
Our children are in a devastating emotional state! In the last 15 years, researchers have given us increasingly alarming statistics on a sharp and steady increase in childhood mental illness that is now reaching epidemic proportions:
• 1 in 5 children have mental health problems
• A 43% increase in diagnosed ADHD
• A 37% increase in adolescent depression has been noted
• There has been a 200% increase in the suicide rate in children aged 10 to 14
What is happening and what are we doing wrong?
Today’s children are being over-stimulated and over-gifted with material objects, but they are deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood, such as:
• Emotionally available parents
• Clearly defined limits
• Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep
• Movement in general but especially outdoors
• Creative play, social interaction, unstructured game opportunities and boredom spaces
Instead, in recent years, children have been filled with:
• Digitally distracted parents
• Indulgent and permissive parents who let children “rule the world” and whoever sets the rules
• A sense of right, of deserving everything without earning it or being responsible for obtaining it
• Inadequate sleep and unbalanced nutrition
• A sedentary lifestyle
• Endless stimulation, technological nannies, instant gratification and absence of boring moments
What to do?
If we want our children to be happy and healthy individuals, we have to wake up and get back to basics. It is still possible! Many families see immediate improvements after weeks of implementing the following recommendations:
• Set limits and remember that you are the captain of the ship. Your children will feel more confident knowing that you have control of the helm.
• Offer children a balanced lifestyle full of what children NEED, not just what they WANT. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to your children if what they want is not what they need.
• Provide nutritious food and limit junk food.
• Spend at least one hour a day outdoors doing activities such as cycling, walking, fishing, bird/insect watching
• Enjoy a daily family dinner without smartphones or distracting technology, let everyone feel valued
• Play board games as a family or if children are very small for board games, just let the pretend to play it
• Involve your children in some homework or household chores according to their age (folding clothes, hanging clothes, unpacking food, setting the table, feeding the dog, etc.)
• Implement a consistent sleep routine to ensure your child gets enough sleep. The schedules will be even more important for school-age children.
• Teach responsibility and independence. Do not overprotect them against all frustration or mistakes. Misunderstanding will help them build resilience and learn to overcome life’s challenges,
• Do not carry your children’s backpack, do not carry the homework they forgot, do not peel bananas or peel oranges if they can do it on their own (4-5 years). Instead of giving them the fish, teach them to fish.
• Teach them to wait and delay gratification.
• Provide opportunities for “boredom”, since boredom is the moment when creativity awakens. Do not feel responsible for always keeping children entertained.
• Do not use technology as a cure for boredom, nor offer it at the first second of inactivity.
• Avoid using technology during meals, in cars, restaurants, shopping centers. Use these moments as opportunities to socialize by training the brains to know how to work when they are in mode: “boredom”
• Help them create a “bottle of boredom” with activity ideas for when they are bored.
• Be emotionally available to connect with children and teach them self-regulation and social skills:
• Turn off the phones at night when children have to go to bed to avoid digital distractions.
• Become a regulator or emotional trainer for your children. Teach them to recognize and manage their own frustrations and anger.
• Teach them to greet, to take turns, to share without running out of anything, to say thank you and please, to acknowledge the error and apologize (do not force them), be a model of all those values you instill.
• Connect emotionally – smile, hug, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, play or crawl with them.
Article written by Dr. Luis Rojas Marcos Psychiatrist.